my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
