I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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