If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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