actually, I'm a sock model
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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