yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
