Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize