Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
