It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
