Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
