Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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