We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
