My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Oh god it's open bar.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
