considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
