Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
