my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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