I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
