Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize