Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
