I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The feeling are messing with the penis
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
