i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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