i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
