You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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