my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
