I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
