I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
