Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize