you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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