If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize