Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
