Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
In other news, I just burned my penis
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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