Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
