I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
