My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
