I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
