i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
