oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
