My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize