haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
