you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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