do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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