I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
