I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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