Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
