There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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