my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize