he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think your dad took our porno
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
