sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
