dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
