I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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