why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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