Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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