The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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