youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
