so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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