I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize