Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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