I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize