I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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