I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
