Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
