when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
